I hate depression

Why is it, you can go for several days feeling brilliant – no cares at all, all going well and then one day, “BOOM” – a day like today, for no obvious reason at all, everything just feels like shit.

“Shockingly Shit” is how I normally phrase it. A day where I literally just want to hide away and not communicate with the world at all. A day where everything is hard – all I see is mess around me. I’m not motivated. Lethargy prevails. All decisions, ANY decision is hard. Thought processes all jumbled. A feeling so low that not even the tears will appear (or maybe that’s the sertraline preventing me from crying ….?)

I recently read that to clear your head of ‘noise’ it was a good plan to get thoughts down in writing. And I thought that’s what I’d been doing, with this blog. But actually, I’ve realised I’ve ‘sanitised’ my entries, for fear of being judged in some way. Maybe not knowing who I want to share with (not knowing my audience).

Using the posts as some sort of social media where “everything’s good”. Well today, it’s not good. The black cloud (or ‘black dog’) has got me, and the only thing I felt motivated to do, was convey and express in words – here.

Yes, I’m a statistic of one woman dealing with depression. Have been for several years and today the bastard got the better of me.